9 January
I should remember not to eat a cheese bun when crying. Or consume anything for that matter. It makes breathing a bit tricky.
I have Al-Ghamdi reciting Surah Maryam in the background. There’s a poetic rhyming thing going on in Surah Maryam that I find comforting. I also love that there’s a verse where Sayyidatina Maryam actually says “Would that I had died before this, and had become a thing forgotten, completely forgotten!” (19:23)
Say what you will but it comforts me to know this great woman in Islam, who has a whole chapter named after her in the Qur’an, who gave birth to a great Prophet (Jesus no less!), during her most difficult moment had wished she had DIED before it and become a thing forgotten. I love that.
I feel a great sense of loss. I am grieving for what could have been. I think I’m heartbroken. Brene Brown says heartbreak is different from disappointment, that it hurts in an altogether different way. I feel like the conversations so far have been about my disappointments at unmet expectations. But it’s really not it. It’s some part of it, yes. But it’s true. What I’m feeling is deeper than disappointment and it’s just this cutting sense of loss and grief.
I think about the hopes I carried on 9 January. If there’s one thing I know about myself, I have hope in endless abundance. Oh my God. It’s chronic. I’m not sure if it’s foolish or naive. But I have so much of it and I know my story is not over yet.
I have hope that Allah has great things in store for me inshaAllah. I acknowledge and am thankful for all the blessings and all the trials so far. I beg Him for His Kindness, Gentleness and Generosity in dealing with me in the days to come and for always. More than anyone, He knows me and He sees me and I ask for His Guidance and Redha today and everyday.
