Thoughts on Modern Marriage, Masculinity & Gender Roles

Before you read any further, please read the following 2 links so that we’re somewhat on the same page and you know the context in which I’m writing this.

1) The Invisible Workload that Drags Women Down: http://time.com/money/4561314/women...

2) The Modern Marriage Trap — And What To Do About It: http://time.com/money/4630251/the-m...

From “The Modern Marriage Trap” article, these 2 portions particularly concerns me:

“ Here’s where things get ugly. Gerson, discussed above, didn’t just ask people what kind of division of labor people wanted, she also asked about their Plan B. Plan A, if you recall, was sharing, with 70% of men and 80% of women preferring it. But on Plan B, men and women diverge in catastrophic ways: almost 70% of men want to revert to traditional gender roles. Faced with that option, nearly 75% of women want a divorce."
__
"According to research, the average married woman is less happy than the average married man, less happy than single women, less convinced that married people are happier than single people, and more likely to file for divorce. Once returned to single life, women’s happiness recovers, whereas men’s declines, and divorced women are less eager to remarry than divorced men."

Before I go any further, I feel like it’s necessary to point out certain things before I even get to my thoughts on Muslim marriages and the roles of a Muslim wife/husband.

1. Society has changed

While many aspects of our religion, especially Islamic values and ideals, transcends time and space, we’re also aware that many laws change and adapt to the changing context of the society. This isn’t something new and students of Islamic law know that ‘urf (custom) and ‘adah (tradition) are authentic sources of Islamic law.

How has society, especially Singapore, changed?

And here, I’m merely stating the facts and not giving a judgment on whether these are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

- Girls are expected to study and do well in school and, in increasing numbers, further their education. — They are then expected to contribute financially to the family. — When they get married, it is more or less understood that a single-income household in Singapore is getting rarer and really difficult and wives are expected to also contribute financially to the house/family.

That’s just something to be expected now. And with the changing expectations, girls also grow up having goals for their career and other personal aspirations that go beyond just the home/family.

2. Family Dynamics Has Changed

In the past, and for a very long time, the family structure looked like this: Father works and is the sole breadwinner, mother stays home and takes care of the kids. People knew their role(s) in the family and in the society. They did what was expected and the system worked. Great.

Now, with more women entering the workforce (this is really not a discussion on whether this is good or bad for the society because this is already happening and looks like it’s going to stay for at least the next few generations, like it or not), the dynamics in the family changes.

Masculinity or manhood was traditionally measured on how a man provided for his family (again, no judgment on whether this was a right yardstick or not). A good wife/mother was someone who fed her husband and children and took on the greater proportion of the child-rearing duties and did the laundry and whatever household chores.

Now — both the husband and the wife work and contribute to the household finances. How this is divided differs for each couple/family. However, household chores, as mentioned in the articles linked above, have not been equally distributed, and also obviously differs for each couple/family.

Large families used to live together — 3 generations under one roof or close by. People enjoyed a wider support network. Parenting was not left to just the mother alone but grandparents, aunties etc all regularly shared the duties or supported the mother. That’s not as strong today. And I’m not blaming the grandparents and aunties either. It’s just how the society/living arrangements/expectations have evolved.

Issue: Women have changed. Their mindsets, aspirations and expectations on career, family and marriage has changed. Some men haven’t. Not really. Or at least we haven’t met halfway.

I am not blaming the men. Please don’t spin this into a feminist/women’s rights’ rant because it’s really not. I’m concerned about building strong marriages and strong families and I think this disparity in mindsets and expectations, if not addressed and agreed upon before marriage, will cause quite a bit of chaos after.

3. What Islam Says

Well, obviously I can’t speak for Islam. And I’m not going to try. But it bothers me when men want to revert to traditional gender roles and shame women into thinking they’re liberal/Western-educated/tainted/un-Godly/less Islamic if they don’t subscribe to it.

Yes, the majority of women during the Prophet’s time didn’t go out to work and they prepared meals etc etc etc. Heck, just 50 years ago, most women didn’t go out to work in the numbers we see today.

But what are we supposed to do about it now? I grew up with my parents expecting me to study hard and go to university and get a good job just like any parents expected of their sons.

A whole generation of us grew up with such expectations, on top of telling us to be good wives and good mothers. And how do you expect us to respond or react when we get married or enter into motherhood that our spouses expected us to be like their mothers — non-working, stay-home, do-all-chores types? I think a lot of us have uncomfortable discussions about that either before getting married or after. And uncomfortable doesn’t mean bad. It’s absolutely necessary because we’re all trying to find ways where the family would survive and thrive and… work. And you know what they say about those who assume…

Which gets me to my next point: Life is hard. When the previous traditional systems and structures don’t seem to work so well, things get confusing and we can’t really replicate solutions.

I understand that men want to revert to traditional gender roles. The hierarchy in the family was clear-cut and they had authority and control and power, and both men and women (arguably) largely benefited from it.

But things have changed. Treating women like children or your property or invalidating their personal aspirations that are beyond the family and shaming them under religious pretexts is hurtful and really not helpful.

When wives and mothers ask that you help around the house or with the kids, it’s because life is hard and we can’t do it all. Don’t compare today’s wives and mothers with the wives and mothers of 20/30/1000 years ago because society has changed. When working mothers of yore handled all household chores without complaint, it’s due to them manifesting ihsan (mercy) and doing something nice for you and the family.

Feeling entitled to receiving a certain kind of treatment (whether in a marriage, friendship, normal decent human relationship) is hardly good advice. Appreciate what treatment you get, encourage it, but to feel entitled and not being flexible on your expectations is at best, a recipe for an unhappy couple/marriage and at worst, a guarantee for divorce. Listen to your wives and the women around you.

My Facebook feed (and of course my conversations with friends) are full of working mothers, SAHMs and single women who are all trying to navigate this new world and the changing expectations. Working mothers’ guilt is a real phenomenon. Working wives’ guilt who don’t cook every day after work is a real phenomenon. SAHMs burnout and exhaustion and feeling like they gave away their hard work/degree/work experience etc are all very real. I’m not saying that men have it easy.

We love Allah and the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam and we find great satisfaction and meaning in our deen and we do, believe it or not, want to be great Muslims and great wives and great mothers.

Just help us man. Marriage isn’t about who brings the dough or who cleans the dishes or who makes the breakfast for who. It’s, and this is my personal opinion, companionship and mutual helping and mutual generosity and mutual support and mutual respect. And for Muslims, our ultimate goal really is to please Allah and His Prophet. Marriage is bigger than you and me and feminism and whatever thing or -isms. We want to please Allah through our marriages and how we treat our spouses.

This is the current situation. Don’t make it more complicated than it has to be. We’re not out to take away the authority that the husband has in the family. We just want our marriages and our families to work and at the same time, be a bit at peace and happy.

______

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Anyone, and everyone. I’m no sociologist, or social scientist or researcher or women’s rights activist (hah!). Just someone concerned with the discourses surrounding Muslim marriages and gender roles. Maybe other Muslim women don’t agree with me and this is all a bunch of hogwash. In any case, let me know what you think.

PS: Perhaps I’ve completely missed the point. Maybe the issue men have is about where obedience comes in and who has final say in decision making. Thoughts?