Writing Through ‘This’

Writing has always been for me a way to sort my heart and my thoughts. I always feel much better after. I stopped for a long while for 2 reasons:

1. There was usually an audience and I sometimes worried I was wasting people’s precious time if my words didn’t have some sort of ‘moral of the story’ or benefit.
2. People stopped me. Even though I was mainly writing for my own brain and heart to untangle, certain key actors in my life would ask “won’t people think you’re writing about me?” and I stopped for a long, long while.

Anyway, I’m 31 now and the older I get, the more aware I am of how I co-opt other people’s issues and make it mine. I am more than happy to help and support my beloveds deal with their issue(s) but I will never be able to solve it because it wasn’t mine to solve in the first place.

And so I am reclaiming writing for myself and my sanity and my heart’s solace.

It’s been a really heart-crushing time. Not the blindsided-where-did-that-come-from kind either. But the slow, dreadful squeeze where healing comes slow and the relapse is 4 times worse.

What makes it worse isn’t just that what I’m dealing with is so difficult for my heart, but how *I* make it worse for myself. On top of the humiliation, the loneliness and feeling unworthy, I proceed to torture myself further by believing that I am unkind, unforgiving and selfish — despite my many attempts at acting kindly, forgivingly and unselfishly!

The more I reach out, the greater the indifference I am met with, the more I torture myself, the cycle repeats.

Not this time. This time I finally finally finally felt peace in my heart. It was the sweetest, most precious feeling. I think of it and go back to it when I hear more words.

The following days, weeks, months won’t be easy either, whichever way the boat goes, but I know that I’ll be okay. I know when people want to sit me down and give me advice, they are just loving me loudly and I truly appreciate it.

So I would really appreciate people also loving me in their du’as, and then holding their tongue if the outcome isn’t what they advised me to do.

The entire affair returns to You,
And the release or conclusion of all matters is in Your hand.

We have presented our affair before You,
and we complain to You of our weakness.

To You, our Lord, we have stretched out our hands,
and from You, our Lord, we hope for kindness.

Be kind to us in what You decree,
And let us be pleased with what pleases You.

From Du’a An-Nasiri.